Stretched Thin

I was walking home from school today, something which I haven't done in quite a while, and as I put one foot in front of the other, I started to think. A lot of things went through my head that I've been wondering about for the longest time. Questions that I want answered that I could never possibly hope to ask. The odd thing is that I can't even put words to the way that I felt or the way that I was thinking. I seemed like I was mulling over the same concerns and ideas in my brain about a hundred times over in a matter of mere minutes. As I kept walking, it kind of felt like everything around me was getting much smaller, almost like it was all just shrinking around me. I felt very large, and exposed. Vulnerable, even. Like the contents of my thoughts were being broad-casted for miles around, and that everyone within earshot could hear all the things that were making my brain spin. The cogs just kept on turning though. I think a good portion of my thoughts were about emotions that I felt from the past. Things that I had once held solace in started to not make sense anymore. Even at school I look around and see the faces of people who care about each other and make sense for one another. I've been wondering whether or not it's possible for me to have a person that makes sense for me. I constantly feel trapped within the confines of my own psyche, and wonder if anyone can crack through the surface that's been sheltering me off from the social connection that I've felt detached from since as long as I can remember.

It's difficult to explain the things that I'm feeling right now. I'm happy with my life, and I feel content with the things that I'm doing, but I feel...stretched out. I feel like jelly over way too much toast, I guess would be a good metaphor. I have lots of friends who I know would do almost anything for me, but at the same time I feel isolated from them. From everybody.

I guess I just don't know what I want. I don't know what I expect from people, or even from myself at times. Maybe I just need to stop acting like a brooding Twilight character and focus on things more. Then again, that could very well be my problem. I focus TOO much. I over-analyze everything I do. Every movement, every word I speak. Even the slightest gesture sends my brain into this train of thought that can last for minutes on end when in the end they all really amount to nothing. I'm a complicated little monster.

A small update before I go, the musical I was in was absolutely fantastic. We exceeded our expectations for both nights, and everyone in the audience went wild over it. The first night we had 200+ people, a full house, and the following night, after only expecting a turnout of maybe 100 people, we ended up with 180+. Not bad at all. I had my glory moment on stage, and I'll say this once: I've never felt more alive than when I was luau dancing in a grass skirt and a coconut bra on stage. Overall, it was an amazing experience, and I'm really going to miss spending my time with all the drama club kids once I graduate.

Also, prom is coming up soon. The plan is to fly solo, like usual. Less complications that way, for the most part. Gotta get my tux soon too. Yikes, this school year is going by so fast.

Other than that, my evening has been occupied with copious amounts of bass playing, and even more amounts Broken Social Scene. It was a simple, but emotionally delved day, for sure. Good night, everyone.